The Knowhere Guide

Local Heroes in Penrith, Cumbria*

Penrith, Cumbria Famous Residents

Cringing Cult of Celebrity (Famous residents and ex-residents.)

• Timmy Mallet's parents. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Goering, Hussein, Bin Laden, Pinochet. Maybe. Wouldnt surprise me.
• timmy mallet lives in penrith! on rimmington way near foleys house!
• It has been well documented that both Timmy 'Third Reich' Mallet and Adolf 'Crazy Glasses' Hitler originated in fun-riddled Penrith, but are your readers aware that Penrith served as the birth-womb germination-sac of stuttering, fecalphiliac rock monster Scatman John? After worldwide erotic success with crowd-fucking ear-candy such as 'Scatman's World', 'Clarkey Cat', 'Fill My Open, Wanting Talk-Hole', 'Lick My face', and 'I Am The One and Only (written for Chesney Hawkes)', Scatman John, like so many other young women of his age, disgraced himself by plummeting into a narcotics-fuelled, excrement-eating rage. This led to an extended stay in the expensive Swiss blood-parasite clinic, Meat-Bath House, with a crippling bout of toxoplasmosis, peppered with stomach-tagnuts. It was here that Scatman John met his future wife, Colin Birnie, well known in the Penrith area as part-time headmaster of a local poorly-run secondary lesson-mill, and full-time barn owl. Unfortunately, shortly after the consummation of his marriage, John was killed in a murderous emu's arse-gravy encounter, involving hypodermic needles, and Liverpool. Incidentally, Rod Hull was seen fleeing from Scatman's grotesquely warped fleshy death-corpse, sparking rumours that Hull's TV aerial roof-dive was less than an accident, and was, in fact, self-induced suicide, committed by his own guilt-ridden hand, meant to kill him, and thus end his worthless Scatman-ending life prematurely, in a self-life-ending death-frenzy, designed to rob himself of the gift of living, before his time. Scatman John: 1953 - 1998 R.I.P. 'I want to be a human being, not a human doing. I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.' - Scatman John 'Ba ba bap bap biddly-boop, bwap bap boo boo boo bah boo.' - Scatman John 'Rod, for God's sake, this stuff is too pure! Take it out!' - Scatman John 'Emu, what have you been eating? This shit's fantastic.' - Scatman John 'There's somebody at the door!' - Rod Hull 'Scatman John was a hero and an Englishman. But he still ate shite.' - H.R.H. The Queen Mother, R.I.P. 'Emu shite - Just Say No.' - Zammo, London (drug-addicted heroin-spliff cake user)
• Shinner Warwick penriths first skinhead and best dancer and first ascent of the musgrave monument new years eve 1968. arrrhhhhh dumph!!!! boot boy ravers live on.what happened to Tombo?
• that copper from coronation street comes from round 'ere
• Loads of rich southies who steal our houses! Bastards....
• PENRITH SAPPHIRES WOMENS FOOTBALL TEAM!!!!!
• timmy malet mum and dad live in paitgill how fun also little lewis guy who has a contract wid newcastle little git ill knock him out!!!
• I heard a rumor that Bill Gates was buying a lovley little pad up Raiselands but he pulled out when the asking price was too high!
• Harrison Ford, Maddonna, Keith Richards, Chairman Mow and Timmy Mallet
• Timmy mallets parents
• George Bowman(world class horse and carriage rider).The thong man.Roland Bateman,his sadley departed mother Maggie and faithfull but also departed mut Shandy.
• Lewis Guy, England star
• timmy mallet etc. Thats about as far as this town stretches
• Charlot Barkely
• Timmy Mallet's mum and dad live in Pategill!
• GAS - Grammar Arbitration Squad.This mob generated from QEGS the most famous examples of there authority include a show in Manchester v some Turks, Brussels v OB, Blues v Newton Riggers and soon it will include Cardiff, Munich and Nottingham.
• Hitler was born here. And Stalin. And Keith Chegwin. And Timmy Mallett. What more do you neeed? NAPALM!
• Mel Gibson is rumoured to have bought a £60,000 'pied-a-terre' in the scaws area. Jamie Ayers is rumoured to have a 27-and-a-half-inch penis. And judging by his relaxed stroll I have no reason to doubt him!!
• daisy the cow lives in a field at the back of the house!
• GARY FROM BYKER GROVE!!!!!! He now lives on the edge of town, works at Hard Rock Cafe in OASIS, and spens many a happy hour in the Waverly drinking a pint. There is a bit of a rumour that he is no smack, but i really don't know. He has been spotted going into every chemist in town with a dogdy looking bloke, but im not one to start a rumour!
• JUST TIMMY MALLOT- LIVED ON DROVERS LANE(I MET HIM THREE TIMES- MY CLAIM TO FAME).
• Flash. (Gordon) also known as Flash for his reluctance to stay clothed while pissed.
• Penriths number one dj of style DJ NEMESIS aka niall mitchell (super Tw@t) -purveyoy of happy hardcore and resident dj in some thirteen year olds bedroom Colin Ginster and his mystical pies- if it wasnt for colin Penrith wouldnt be the same in other words fat truckers wont be spotted all over town munching a cheese and onion
• Timmy Mallet's parents! Oh blessed Lord, thou are kind.
• Jason White - of BCF fame.Wears SI,CP,Lacoste,Left Hand - all the designer clobber and never without that mobile phone!
• Jimmy Rich - Look out for his 70's nylon bomber jacket & Aldi carrier bag containing porn mags & tins of pork luncheon meat - usually seen with Roland Bateman
• Charlie hunnam from queer as folk. He likes to come into Safeway with a baseball cap pulled down as a disguise. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE CHARLIE AND WE DON@T CARE!
• Chris Bulman is one of our local heroes, who's 'R' reg,750cc Yamaha chopper can be located by following the thick black oily smog ommitted from it's rattly engine.He,s well known for having the dirtiest chopper in town!!
• DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU.
• Jamie Ayers- This harmless fellow can be found aimlessly roaming the streets of Penrith in search of rock 'n' roll fame. Do not be fooled, however, that Manchester accent conceals a Cumbrian born and bred. Gav Fletcher- This badboy is very, very naughty. Stay away from him, or if you have a go, give him one from me!!
• timmy mallett's parents live(d) here and so did wordsworth
• We have a famous DJ in Penrith he goes by the name of DJ Quickmix.
• We have our very own resident DJ JESUS, he works at BLUES and OASIS, But you offten find him dancing away in Toppers, he can do the odd mirical in his spare time. Roland bateman - he walks around in a big long rain coat, talking about socks and lucozade, he is pritty harmless, a good laugh (if you laugh at him) but you may not be able to get away, EVER!!!!
• Timmy Mallet can often be seen visiting his mother. I once said hello to him, don't judge me i was young.
• The "Monocled Mutineer" shot by an aristocratic pillock with an itchey trigger finger, now buried in an unmarked grave in the Beacon Edge cemetry of the town.
• William Wordsworth Timmy Malletts parents

Buskers, Street Entertainers

• Who can beat the gleeful greetings and musings of the local loon..."ROLY". This timid and inquisitive creature is to be found 'roaming' the streets day and night, seeking out new knowledge and banter from innocent passers-by. If you like the game "twenty questions", you will undoubtedly LOVE to be acosted (sorry I mean MET) in the street by our lovable character. Another equally amusing 'STREET-WANDERER' goes by the locally labelled name of "BETTY". This round faced plumper can be seen at ALL hours wandering aimlesly from street to street, walking at a slow-to-stopping pace with his head down and shoulders hunched, hands in pockets. Although initially amusing to see, the novelty quickly wears off, as this creature is non-interactive, and just for visual amusement.
• Play anywhere!!!!!!!!! Put a bit of life into the streets please
• There's this old tramp guy who walks around being sick occasionally!!
• A suprising amount of modern street art first thing on Sunday mornings.
• Mark Raine. Pissed as a fart, singing to himself. Possibly And then picking a fight.
• 1 homeless guy i think, turksy (retarded i think)
• the guy you used to dress as jesus and shout alot at churches.comedy genius.
• Entertainment? haha this is penrith,NOT New York!!
• Well i am not sure if he is a street entertainer but the blonde one out of queer as folk went to the grammer school. Everyone hated him and we all knew that if we called him a poof and sexy boy for long enough he would get a job in a show like that.
• Andrew Rose, guitarist extraordinaire. He has as much stage presence as a wet lettuce and plays all the right notes, just not necessarily in the right place or time.
• Roland- what a stud! Do not offer him lucozade or express any interest in the fact that it is his birthday. He exists in a time wrap. You will emerge from the conversation to find that your family are dead and the Bradys have taken over the world.
• try contacting pj at that wonderful sixthform in penrith.(ucc)
• COLIN PARKES - THE NAME SAYS IT ALL!!!! IDIOT
• Lips International
• If you ask nicely, I am sure that some of the Blues regulars will give you some "Street Entertainment" for the price of a Vodka and Coke. Often, young locals can often be seen "Decorating" the outsides of various public houses, which is often quite amusing, along with the fights that regularly break out into the streets....
• YOU ALL KNOW MARTIN WARREN AND MARK THORBURN BOTH BUSKED TO GO TO COLLEGE
• Colin Parkes - Comes out with no money and raises £20 for booze by walking in a pub to a juke box with his top off!
• Adam Slack is not dead - he was recently sighted in London.
• Street entertainers in Penrith are:- Roland - who only wants you to buy him some new socks, a bottle of lucozade and a King Fried Chicken, Turksy - who you will see wandering from pub to pub.
• Malcolm Walker, yet again, He licks faces of innocent passers-by. He is the master baker of the Penrith Safeways, so he adds water to the bread mix. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!! DO NOT BUY YOUR BREAD FROM SAFEWAYS!!!!!!
• Adam Slack (R.I.P) - those of you old enough to remember - the legendry punk who spent so much time sitting on the bank steps he was part of the scenery - always a good topic of conversation for the old gossips with too much money and time on their hands sipping their coffee in the George Hotel window.
• On a similar line to 'Turksey', a younger, newer and perhaps even more insane local goes by the name of 'Parksey', invariably the guy who is jumping up and down and shouting in the street. He too can provide hours of entertainment.
• There is a guy called "Turksy" who is always around town (often outside Midland bank) who provides hours of fun with his witticisms, and ideas about life.

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Credits

Last updated: 2008-08-20