The Knowhere Guide

Best and Worst in Clacton, Essex*

Clacton, Essex Triumphs and Tragedies

Favourite Building

• Magdalen green toilets - especially after a good curry!
• "Magic City" is great, but if you're over the height of Jezz Rabbits hand, you can't get in. i grew taller than his hand in August 1987 and haven't been inside since. I wonder what it's like. . .
• The covered market. It is really charming and not at all full of dodgy wierdos who can't get a proper job. "Melodies" record and herb store. For the same reasons.
• somewhere down skelmersdale road where i lost it!!!!!
• The station hotel opposite railway station has been flattened and is now retirement flats.
• The Station Inn opposite the railway station (funnily enough!). I ain't been back to Clacton for a while, so it's probably gone now. (See Clubs for more info...)
• Clacton's Victoria Street Railway station is modern anodyne structure of such daring tenacity that the mind boggles. The revolutionary structure made entirely from Steel Glass and crushed mice corpses is truly triffic.
• Forge Cottage, Valley Road
• The John Lennon museum which features a calf eaten and then regurgetated by Lennon in 1965 before a concert

Demolish It Now Building

• MacDongles
• The Hospital and The Fire Station. I would also like to see the Police Station bought up by Magic City. What an adventure that would be.
• too many to mention
• Town & Country Building (now Essex Social Services)
• colbayns high school
• The John Lennon museum which contains the remains of a foot stall he and Yoko used to beat up a brown bear in 1979

The Best Things

• The blue sky,the relatively unhassled atmosphere.
• beach ,the beer ,holiday makers
• The Sea
• The best thing is the centre of Earths magnetism is here. this means the Daleks cannot attack as it is their only weakness. ALL ROBOMEN ATTACK THE DALEKS!
• The sea air and the girls. They are all astonishingly lovely. Even the ones who are 14 and have five parents, four boy-friends, three heads, two kids and a tatoo.
• the people
• Due to an unrepealed 1649 law, Clacton residents are quite entitled to throw rolled up bread dough at the King to show their dissatisfaction at the state of crop rotation in the area.
• Sea, sand and sun
• The best thing about Clacton is the great people who live there. Chris Harding, Edward Puddick, Richard Appleby, Marc Wiggam and David Cooper all are groovy fab guys with great faces. I must also defend the reputations of the girls from Clacton. You may not have been since the mid 1970`s, but I can assure you there are many attractive young ladies in the Clacton area. I wouldlist them all but my pride makes me stop. Please apologise for the mistaken reporting of the lack of pretty girls in clacton as it is completely wrong. they are all nice. All of them. Every single one, especially. . . . . .Aaaah, no you don`t
• The pier is good now that you don`t have to pay. The rides are okay. The big wheel is fun and the beach is good in the summer.
• The best thing about Clacton is the fact that everyone knows everyone. A real sort of community. Lots of good parties especially on the beach in summer. Loads of out-door swimming pools. A couple of fields with a regular crop of magic mushrooms. But best of all are the boy racers who burn around the town's very tight oneway circuit. The stereos these boys have are too much.

The Worst Things

• I lived and worked in "Clapped out on Sea" as a former colleague referred to it, for many years. I also heard that the town is the teenage pregnancy black spot of Europe. Reports that the rate has since fallen upon my departure have been grossly overblown...no pun intended. I haven't been back for years...nuff said.
• The awful Huntlets nude beach at the very far end of a mile long dirt track(semi passable for bikes) of the ginormous Jaywick Mobile Home site(s)Think Florida. THe "beach"for nudists is itself shingle and most of the 99.9% nudists are male,sitting in the car park on camp chairs for 2 hours at lunch. No facilities whatsoever for up to 3 miles.
• How every one kinder knows each other. "Oh yeah my friends boyfriend work mates brother knows you"!!!!!! HOw does this happen???
• every bloke thinks and trys to talk like a cockney and they all think there well hard
• The million Gary's and Sharron's who live in the local area - go away!!!
• Miserable , ignorant , stupid Tossers Frequent every orofice
• The worst thing is that the Daleks have built a large mining area here, using slave labour to try to reach the earths core. This situation depresses me, but I took heart in seeing a nice blue police box earlier, which, I don't know why, seemed to cheer me up
• Having to leave to seek your fortune.
• how many fingers and toes can you get
• Everybody knows everybody else! You just can't sleep with someone without their other half finding out about it!
• The worst thing is that all the cats have super heated arse holes. Many of them start fires if they sit on dry woodland, and often a child will be burnt whilst sticking it's finger were they should go. Daffodils are free to look at, but Lord Mayor of Clacton, Peter Longford has often said he wants to charge people for eating in the town centre and would happily see tennis banned from the entire country. Waht a git.
• Unfortunately another unrepealed law means that residents of Clacton by law, have to have their faces daubed in "Donkey fluids" whenever the residents of Thorpe-le-bangem (former home of the local duke) wish it.
• The worst thing is the Essex boys who are complete clones of one another and wankers to boot. They all smell and are ugly with tiny teeny dicks. I hate them all and they must die
• Clacton Dart Centre and `Mice N Easy`, the pet shop
• The worst thing about Clacton is The County High school: it is really rubbish. The best school is Colbayns: the uniform is better and the pupils are much nicer.
• The worst thing about Clacton... and anyone who has lived there will back me up... is that all the girls are really ugly. I mean, in any town in England if six girls walk into a pub at least one would look slightly nice. Not in Clacton. Oh no!!! Ugly mate. Seriously, this is true. My Dad even apologised to me once for bringing me to a place where all the girls are so rank. Oh yeah! It's full of old people.

The Knowhere Guide started out as a list of places to skateboard in the UK. It is a compilation of (unedited) information and views supplied by users like yourself. It is not a conventional tourist guide!

In most cases, the information in each section has been submitted by more than one contributor (the credits at the bottom of the page list some, but not all, of the contributors) and some of it dates back to the 1970s.

We make no claims as to the accuracy of the information in the Guide - our only purpose is to provide a forum for users to share their knowledge and opinions. So please keep a large bag of salt handy and be prepared to read between the lines!

If you disagree with a comment, or information is out of date, please submit an update! The contributors come from all walks of life, and their opinions are bound to be subjective, so if your view isn't represented, please speak up and contribute to the balance of the Guide. See below in the 'Have Your Say' section for how to add your voice.

If we have helped you out or made you laugh you can buy us a pint.

Have Your Say...

You can tell us more about Clacton. This is also the method to use if you want to correct some of the information already here. (But please remember you're not mailing the person who actually wrote whatever-it-is.)

You can use the add an event form to tell us about events happening in Clacton.

Or, if you'd just like to leave a message for other users of this site, take a look at The Knowhere Board (handy if you're just trying to get in touch with someone).

Credits

Last updated: 2006-10-19